I don't know how I got into the routine of going to get my yearly exam just before the Christmas holidays, but I think it might have something to do with being a teacher, so I was out of school. Also my birthday is January 7th, so that too is an annual event.
Anyway, off to the gynecologist on November 29th for what is suppose to be an annual legs up in the stirrups event. When I checked in I asked the receptionist at the desk to look up my last time in. She told me December 2007. So it looks like I have to revisit that term annual.
I truly like and respect my doctor, even if I have waited 5 years for this exam. He starts right out with, "I have good news. A recent study I just read says that we are actually 10 years younger than the generation ahead of us. So you are actually only 47. Isn't that great?" To tell you the truth, I have a hard time getting into all that. I still don't believe that I am even 47 years old, certainly not 10 years older. As a child, I always acted and felt much older and as I have actually gotten older, I seem to be reverting back to acting younger.
Well, as the doctor was engaged in all his examination behaviors, his face got very serious and he started mumbling under his breath, "I can fell anything because of this huge mass." I likely stopped breathing at that moment and the doctor looked up with that deer in the headlights stare. Then he sat down and said, "Oh! We're not going to worry about this until after the Christmas holidays. This just gives you another reason to come in the first of January. So stop by the desk and schedule an appointment for a pelvic ultrasound after the holidays. Don't worry. It's probably nothing."
He said no more and promptly left. You have to know he is well into his seventies and I attribute that to his lack of finesse in handling this--whatever it is. I know I'm being generous with that; mostly likely it is due to the failure of his patients to give him a good cussing.
The reason for this post's title of Déjà vu is that in December of 2000 when I went in for my annual exam something quite similar happened. I had a rather large thickened area at the top of my right breast. It wasn't that little pea shaped lump one is looking for in their breast exams. I had noticed it about 6 months earlier, but I had just been for an exam in 6 months before and was going back to the doctor in December. During his exam he found the mass and said, "What is this?" And asked the nurse to go get the mammogram I had when I arrived. He went through the same behaviors I experienced this year. He said, "We are not going to worry about this until after the holidays. There's an 80% chance it is nothing. So just go by the desk and schedule an appointment for early January."
Now I have done exactly as instructed twice. But if I live through whatever it is in my lower abdomen, I will never get an annual exam in December and have 4-6 weeks of terror and nightmares wondering what the New Year will bring. I'm sure my doctor did his part of not worrying about it during the holidays, but no way was that going to work for me.
My husband was the only person I told about the exam before Christmas. He told me to call and get the next appointment; to forget waiting until after the holidays. I thought about that for a couple of days, but decided to stick with the January 10th appointment because I don't actually have anything to tell anyone right now; just fears and worries, so I can keep those to myself. If I changed my appointment and found out something bad, it would really ruin the holidays.
In 2001, I did have stage 2 breast cancer. The doctor told me to just forget 2001. That it was going to be a very bad year. And with surgeries, chemotherpy and radiation it was indeed. But I got through it. And they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. What I know it did, was make me not put off doing things that I really want to do. In 2002 I ran for School Board, which I had wanted to do for a while. Then a few years later I started my mini-urban farm. I had wanted chickens and goats for a long time, so I needed to not put off getting until tomorrow what you want today. In other words, we don't have time to waste.
I wanted to get my thoughts down tonight, because there will be a big change tomorrow. Not that I believe I will have an actually diagnosis; but there will be either relief or heighten concern. Right now I am very depressed, but appear to be functioning normally. Most likely because I can't quit imagine not existing. I don't feel comforted by an afterlife religion. I love living here and now. I want to see my grandchildren grow-up. One continues to live until the last person who loves you dies.
Anyway, off to the gynecologist on November 29th for what is suppose to be an annual legs up in the stirrups event. When I checked in I asked the receptionist at the desk to look up my last time in. She told me December 2007. So it looks like I have to revisit that term annual.
I truly like and respect my doctor, even if I have waited 5 years for this exam. He starts right out with, "I have good news. A recent study I just read says that we are actually 10 years younger than the generation ahead of us. So you are actually only 47. Isn't that great?" To tell you the truth, I have a hard time getting into all that. I still don't believe that I am even 47 years old, certainly not 10 years older. As a child, I always acted and felt much older and as I have actually gotten older, I seem to be reverting back to acting younger.
Well, as the doctor was engaged in all his examination behaviors, his face got very serious and he started mumbling under his breath, "I can fell anything because of this huge mass." I likely stopped breathing at that moment and the doctor looked up with that deer in the headlights stare. Then he sat down and said, "Oh! We're not going to worry about this until after the Christmas holidays. This just gives you another reason to come in the first of January. So stop by the desk and schedule an appointment for a pelvic ultrasound after the holidays. Don't worry. It's probably nothing."
He said no more and promptly left. You have to know he is well into his seventies and I attribute that to his lack of finesse in handling this--whatever it is. I know I'm being generous with that; mostly likely it is due to the failure of his patients to give him a good cussing.
The reason for this post's title of Déjà vu is that in December of 2000 when I went in for my annual exam something quite similar happened. I had a rather large thickened area at the top of my right breast. It wasn't that little pea shaped lump one is looking for in their breast exams. I had noticed it about 6 months earlier, but I had just been for an exam in 6 months before and was going back to the doctor in December. During his exam he found the mass and said, "What is this?" And asked the nurse to go get the mammogram I had when I arrived. He went through the same behaviors I experienced this year. He said, "We are not going to worry about this until after the holidays. There's an 80% chance it is nothing. So just go by the desk and schedule an appointment for early January."
Now I have done exactly as instructed twice. But if I live through whatever it is in my lower abdomen, I will never get an annual exam in December and have 4-6 weeks of terror and nightmares wondering what the New Year will bring. I'm sure my doctor did his part of not worrying about it during the holidays, but no way was that going to work for me.
My husband was the only person I told about the exam before Christmas. He told me to call and get the next appointment; to forget waiting until after the holidays. I thought about that for a couple of days, but decided to stick with the January 10th appointment because I don't actually have anything to tell anyone right now; just fears and worries, so I can keep those to myself. If I changed my appointment and found out something bad, it would really ruin the holidays.
In 2001, I did have stage 2 breast cancer. The doctor told me to just forget 2001. That it was going to be a very bad year. And with surgeries, chemotherpy and radiation it was indeed. But I got through it. And they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. What I know it did, was make me not put off doing things that I really want to do. In 2002 I ran for School Board, which I had wanted to do for a while. Then a few years later I started my mini-urban farm. I had wanted chickens and goats for a long time, so I needed to not put off getting until tomorrow what you want today. In other words, we don't have time to waste.
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| Jack Michael Kennedy |
My heart and prayers go out to you. What a thing to have to put off - for any time at all. I can't believe the Dr. left you hanging like that. I don't know how you have stood it. I would be depressed too and like you, no afterlife can complete with this one in my book. You have a world of support and will get through all of this. Please let us know.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that you are sitting on a very worrisome health situation. The waiting is really stressful.
ReplyDeleteI am 73 and my doctor is 73 so I finally parted company with him. Now comes the challenge of finding a new guy.
I hope that everything works out for you. Writing about this will help you while you're waiting. did you go back to school?
Here's hoping it turns out to be nothing serious.
ReplyDeleteI echo your sentiment, irrespective of one's current health status, to live for the day and reach for your cherished goals.
I am thrilled as I know you are with today's answer. I also hope you stay true to your decision to not do this again right before Christmas...the pressure to pull off that perfect family Christmas before what could have been life changing can be life threatening! Love you always big sister!
ReplyDelete